Today David got to meet his older sibling, her name is Anya and she is an eight year old angel. 

Dave and I have not had contact with her, nor seen her for two whole years. During the past two years it has been extremely difficult for everyone involved... I could not even talk to my closest friends about it because it hurt too bad, but today everyone was able to move past all of the differences, and go on with our lives.  The past is the past for a reason and if the two families involved can get through it, no one needs to know how we got there...just know we are moving forward, together. 

I really hope that today was a heartfelt and moving day for everyone involved. David and Anya will now be able to grow up knowing one another and they are already building a wonderful relationship, I wish you could have seen them playing today...it was the cutest and sweetest thing. 

Is she my step daughter? Yes legally, but I am not the type of person to play favorites or say well she is my step daughter. I will love and cherish her as much as I do David. I will proudly boast and state that we have two beautiful children. I am so thankful to be friends with Emilie and Jason. They are the parents that Anya lives with, and they have truly been amazing during this process. 

I know we can make this work and I hope that everyone who does not know Anya/about Anya will accept her into our family as much as we have and will, well quite frankly...if you don't...then that really shows me what kind of true friend you are! 

ENJOY YOUR DAY/NIGHT! I am going to sleep and reminisce on this PERFECT DAY <3 

It has taken me quite sometime to actually want to tell others our journey and struggles that we have had to overcome, but with the abortion video that is floating amongst Facebook…I am extremely against abortion, no matter what the situation because there are adoption agencies out there.

I have decided to explain a story about our journey. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, our first year of marriage was the toughest thing I have ever had to endure. On December 9th 2010 my dear husband proposed to me… and two weeks later we found out that we were pregnant. Growing up I never thought I would have children myself, I thought they were tons of fun…because I am practically like a child myself and they have loved me over the years. I just didn’t think of myself as a mother, someone to provide nurturing guidance and assistance to someone else and make sure they were meeting their milestones, everything that makes a mother whole. I just thought I was missing the mother instinct.

Within just one week we had told all of our family and friends about the new arrival and that we were expecting. As we informed everyone they were so thrilled and told me I would make such a wonderful mother, I started to believe it and I was excited to bring a bundle of joy into this world. The next thing we know we spent New Years Eve in the Emergency Room because I was bleeding extensively with bright red blood. I don’t remember much because I was in tears the entire time. Between the Physical pain that I was enduring and the pain that I felt of not knowing what was going on was killing me inside. They told us to go home and we should return a few days later and they would watch my HCG levels to see what was happening. I remember laying on the bed with my (at the time fiancé) holding my hand and kissing it ever so sweetly, and we brought in the New Year holding onto one another just patiently waiting. A few days later I had my blood drawn again and one hour later and they told me that the levels had dropped and I was indeed having a miscarriage. I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know what to do. This was all too new to me and I just cried and luckily I had such a strong fiancé to help me keep it together. I had became a mother and lost it all in one month time span. I felt like the world had taken something so precious from me that I never got to lay eyes on.  

With everything that was going on, I was not in the Army any more and I did not have insurance. This made the medical expenses sky high. We paid them fortunately we had just both gotten back from Afghanistan and had a little cash saved up. After growing so close during such a terrible time, we decided to bump up the wedding and get married which would also cover any future medical expenses. On January 28th 2011, I became the luckiest woman in the world and married the man who was incredibly strong to put up with me while my hormones were insane. The wedding and the honeymoon phase of our life seemed to take the place of the pain that we were going through, I also decided to go back to school and I also signed up at the local Community Technical College that was right down the road from our apartment.

With many visits to the doctor, they had informed us that the military will not cover any of the costs to find out what happened, or why we had a miscarriage. They said since we were young that it would be fine to try again. I really was not wanting to try again, but it happened. We found out that were pregnant for the second time.  I felt like I had been given another chance to win the lottery. I seriously felt like a million bucks. I wanted this little one more than anything.  At six weeks pregnant I walked into the bathroom in February and I was having terrible cramps and the bleeding started. This was exactly what happened last time and I was sure that we were having yet another miscarriage. My husband was in WLC and I felt terrible to tell him, because he was doing so well in the course but he came home and took me to the ER and we were for sure having another miscarriage.  Yes I did tell family and friends that were pregnant again and my husband called and informed everyone what was going on because I could not talk to anyone. I felt so ashamed, so useless. During the next few doctors visits, they informed me, the Army will cover the costs to find out anything until after a third miscarriage. I felt like everyone was out to get us, that we were not able to have any luck. I seriously felt like a loser.

We were once again given the ok to try again and we were not planning on it, but it did happen three months later we found out we were pregnant again. I was so scared I wanted to go to the doctor right away. I tried to do anything in my power to avoid a miscarriage, I was “googling” things to do all the time. It was seriously the only thing I did. If someone had posted they tried drinking Orange Juice to avoid a miscarriage I would drink Orange Juice.  It was getting close to our 6 week appointment to see the tiny little baby growing inside of my belly, and I felt great this time around. There was no bleeding, there were no clots and I felt like a Mommy who was beyond excited this time around. I was going to bring another human being into this world. We went into the room and the doctor came in she showed us the little bean that was growing so precious inside my belly and I absolutely fell in love. The doctor lets us hear the heartbeat, it was very faint but you could hear it. She then told us to reschedule in 2 weeks so we could see that the heartbeat had gotten stronger. For the next two weeks I felt all kinds of emotions and one day as I was sitting there writing a paper in my kitchen I felt that something was different so I waited on the blood I waited for the pain and it never happened. Finally the two weeks had passed and we were all giddy and excited because we got to see our little bean once again. This time it was a different doctor that we had and after five minutes of examining he was not quite sure about something so he went to grab another doctor and they both had confirmed that there was no heartbeat….

I had not been expecting this at all. I felt like I had lost everything I had ever worked for in this life. I didn’t want to leave the doctor’s office, I just wanted to cuddle up in my husbands arms and cry. I cried, and cried, I could not hold back the tears. The nurse, which is one of the best people in my life came in and she felt so bad grabbed my hand and looked at me in the eyes and told me what was going to happen. Since my body did not actually process what was happening…I had to take different steps to start the miscarriage process. Eventually we left the doctors office, I am sure every person in the waiting room knew what was going on because I could not hold myself together and my husband had to hold me up to walk out of the facility. I didn’t speak a word, I had nothing to say. My husband had nothing to say, words could not describe the pain and suffering we were enduring. We had to go to the pharmacy to fill the prescription which would help my body start the process of the miscarriage. I could not do it that night, I just could not find it in my heart to start this. I was honestly hoping my body would do it. The next day it still did nothing and my husband told me it had to be done. With that being said we had to insert the medicine internally and my body started going into shock. I do not remember any of this process but being in our bed convulsing from the pain, and shaking extremely bad. I had never been in so much pain in my life. I remember my husband sitting there practically in tears because of the pain I was going through, but he was strong and made sure I took my pain medication and we finally got through it. We were instructed to bring whatever came out in a cup so they could send it off for testing because the Army would conduct the testing because this was our third miscarriage.

The next six months were terrible, I did not really care about too much. I was extremely depressed, I hardly ate. I was put on anti depressants, I wanted to drink all the time. I was not going down the correct path, or the path that I wanted to be going down. I tried to leave and go back home to North Carolina one time, because I honestly felt like I did not need to be there with my husband because I could not give him a child. I wanted to give this man the world, and I could not even bear the child that we created. I was at an all time low, I did not think I deserved to be alive. I know one time I contemplated suicide and yet again my husband pulled me out of that alive. After going through all of the tests and everything our  ery loving new doctor told us that he thinks that it was just bad luck and that we should try again because it had been six months. After thinking long and hard about it, we discussed it, and in December of 2012 we decided to try again.

We were very successful and we tried again. We didn’t tell anyone that we were pregnant until the second trimester this time. Everyday I expected to have those stabbing cramps, the bright red blood or go to an ultrasound and not hear the heart beat. I cried my eyes out when we heard the heartbeat of our fourth pregnancy. It was very strong and loud I was so proud. I knew I was going to be a mother. It was a rough 9 months being pregnant…I delivered a healthy baby boy on September 22nd of 2013. He is the greatest thing his father and I have ever accomplished. My husband and I are extremely close, and this is the main reason why. We went through so much our first year being married, and it made us so much stronger. I am so thankful to have such a strong man in my life to call my husband and he is a wonderful Father. 

People say that motherhood is tough, but I have embraced it and I would do absolutely anything for my little boy. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and I cherish him daily. I take the cries in stride because he is here with me able to shed a tear and I kiss them away. To all of my sweet babies I have lost, it breaks my heart and I know you are all mommy’s little angels.